Big Girls Panties Diaries - Entry #23: Past Me is a Little Clingy but Present Me has Boundaries
You know that feeling? You’re giving a presentation, answering emails, picking up dog poop, or folding someone else’s laundry—and suddenly bam: You’re thinking about something you said three years ago in a meeting that didn’t land right. A comment someone made that still stings. A “we should talk” text that was never followed by an actual conversation.
Yeah. That.
And guess what? Everyone you know is carrying at least one ghost. The confident VP? Haunted. Your chilliest friend? Haunted. The barista who spells your name wrong every day? (Julie, even Jules but not July please!!!) Probably haunted too.
The moment’s over. The people may have moved on. But somehow, your brain still invites it to brunch.
The Haunting is Subtle—But Persistent
Sometimes it’s obvious. A layoff. A friendship that faded. A breakup. But often it’s sneakier. It’s a meeting where you didn’t speak up. A tone you misread. A name you can’t stand to see in your inbox—because someone new has the same name as someone who still lives rent-free in your nervous system.
Seriously, what are the odds your new hire’s name is the same as the coworker who once threw you under the bus? HR can’t do anything about that — I checked.
And then there’s music. Because of course the song you played on repeat during your worst year pops up on shuffle while you’re just trying to decide between three kinds of hummus at Trader Joe’s.
Or maybe it’s not even mental. Sometimes the haunting hits your body first. A tight chest in the middle of a call. A lump in your throat that shows up when your calendar says you should be “on.” A wave of exhaustion that hits mid-meeting because your nervous system just can’t with this memory right now.
And then come the questions: Am I too much? Too sensitive? Too direct? Too intense? You start editing yourself in real time—like you’re trying to run your own PR campaign and finish that strategy deck before dinner.
Spoiler: That’s exhausting.
And Let’s Talk About Work for a Minute.
The ghosts aren’t just personal. They show up in your slides, your strategy, your silence.
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You avoid sharing a bold idea—not because it’s wrong, but because the last one didn’t land.
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You over-explain your email—because you’re still haunted by feedback that called you “too intense.”
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You freeze up in a conversation with your boss—because they remind you of someone who made you feel small.
And here’s the thing: ghosts multiply when no one talks about them. An unspoken vibe in one person can become a full-on trust issue for a whole team. Silence looks like avoidance. Avoidance looks like misalignment. And suddenly you’ve got more hauntings than a Netflix docuseries.
Past you is clingy. But present you? She’s leading fiercely, cooking dinner, and trying to get eight hours of sleep. We don’t have time for full hauntings anymore.
Here’s What I’m Learning (Again. And Again.)
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Triggers are just reminders that something mattered. They don’t mean you’re broken. They mean you’re still healing—and still human.
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Avoiding the ghost doesn’t make it disappear. Naming it, writing it, or saying it out loud might.
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It’s okay to pause before you respond. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is say, “Hey, this just brought something up for me. Let me come back to it with a clear head.”
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Self-awareness at work is underrated. Hauntings can look like hesitation, over-functioning, or control. Call it what it is—then decide who’s driving.
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Boundaries are how we tell the past: “I see you, but I’m busy now.” Because you are.
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And for the record, crying in your car to that one song doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you care. Just don’t let the ghost run your calendar.
Big Girl Panties Rule:
Just because it visits doesn’t mean it gets to move in. Let the ghost knock. Let it teach you something. Then go back to your meeting, your people, and your power.
The past is clingy. Good for it. You’re busy living—and it can’t follow you here.
#BigGirlPantiesDiaries #Triggers #Leadership #Boundaries #WorkLife #CHangeLeadership