Big Girl Panties Diaries — Entry #69: It’s Not You, It’s My Attachment Style (But It’s Also a Little You)
Let’s talk about attachment styles. You know—the psychological cheat code that explains why some of us text back immediately and others ghost until the threat of vulnerability passes.
Most people think attachment styles are reserved for romantic relationships. But I’ve got news for you: those same patterns show up everywhere—including at work. Yep, your “Daddy Issues” might be filing your quarterly reports.
Anxious? Avoidant? Disorganized? Secure? Congratulations—you just unlocked your workplace operating system.
I learned this the hard way.
I used to think I was just really committed to excellence. Turns out, earlier in my career I was anxiously attached to approval. If I didn’t get immediate feedback, I spiraled. Did I mess up? Was my email too much? Is this how my career ends—with a passive-aggressive Teams message?
I once had a leader who, in hindsight, was a classic avoidant. He was brilliant but emotionally MIA—aloof, vague, allergic to praise, and somehow always “in back-to-back meetings.” I spent months trying to crack the code of how to earn his trust, deliver what he wanted before he said it, and get even a hint of validation. It was like trying to win a game where the rules changed weekly and no one told me we were playing Calvinball.
I wasn’t just managing up. I was emotionally contorting. And it was exhausting.
Here’s how your attachment style might be secretly running your career:
Anxious-Attached Professionals
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Live for praise. Die a little inside after every “per my last email.”
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Over-prepare for 1:1s like it’s Shark Tank.
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Think the absence of feedback = failure.
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Send “just checking in” emails that are 80% reassurance-seeking and 20% actual inquiry.
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IRL example: The teammate who apologizes three times before giving a flawless presentation.
Avoidant-Attached Professionals
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Pride themselves on independence—but never ask for help.
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Roll their eyes at “team building” exercises.
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Disappear into spreadsheets to avoid hard conversations.
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Struggle to delegate but resent doing it all.
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IRL example: The manager who says, “Do whatever you think is best,” then critiques the end product for not matching their invisible mental plan.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)
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Trust no one, crave connection, then freak out when someone gets too close.
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Thrive in chaos… until they burn out.
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Want to be seen—but also kind of want to disappear.
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IRL example: The coworker who swings from “I love my job!” to “I’m actively interviewing” in under 48 hours.
Securely Attached Unicorns
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Ask for help without shame.
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Give and receive feedback like it’s normal (???).
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Advocate for themselves and others.
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Say “I don’t know” without spiraling.
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IRL example: The colleague who manages deadlines and emotions like they’re not mutually exclusive.
Why This Happens
According to attachment theory, these patterns often originate in early relationships—but we unknowingly re-enact them in adult systems, including the workplace. We don’t outgrow our attachment needs. We just dress them up in cardigans and call them “team dynamics.”
Panty-Pull-Up Practices for Healing Attachment at Work
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Don’t write a story until you have the facts. (“They didn’t respond” ≠ “They hate me.”)
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Practice secure behaviors before you feel secure.
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Ask yourself: Am I reacting to this situation, or to an old wound?
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Watch your language—are you asking or apologizing?
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Find people whose energy calms your nervous system. Borrow their regulation until you have your own.
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For leaders: give clear expectations, consistent feedback, and availability. You can’t build a secure team while being emotionally MIA.
Reflection Questions
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What’s your work attachment style—and how does it show up in your emails, meetings, and leadership?
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Whose approval are you still chasing?
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Where are you over-functioning because you’re afraid of being “too much” or “not enough”?
Big Girl Panties Rule:
Your attachment style might’ve been shaped in childhood, but it doesn’t get to write the ending of your leadership story. Secure isn’t a personality trait—it’s a practice.
Further Reading from the Big Girl Panties Diaries
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Not Enough Is a Liar (But She’s Very Convincing) – For when your brain insists you have to earn your worth.
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The Messy Middle: Where the Magic (and the Meltdown) Happens – Growth lives in the space between “what was” and “what will be.”
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What Your Energy Says When You’re Not Speaking – Because your vibe always shows up to the meeting before you do.
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Letting Go Again – Releasing the people, patterns, and projects that don’t show up for you.
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Yes, I Overpacked—But I’m Learning to Travel Lighter – Shedding the emotional baggage you’ve been hauling around at work.