Big Girl Panties Diaries — Entry #68: What Do You Need? (And No, “Nothing” Isn’t the Answer)
It sounds like such a simple question. But most of us answer it like someone just asked us to name our favorite child—while all of them are standing there, holding pitchforks.
In work and in life, “What do you need?” is often met with the safe answers: “I’m fine.” “I’ll figure it out.” “I don’t want to be a bother.”
Translation: I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m not sure I deserve it. I’m scared you’ll say no.
Somewhere along the way, we got trained—especially women—that our needs should come last. At work, that looks like saying “Sure, I can take that on” while silently Googling “stress causes.” At home, it’s skipping your own workout because the dog’s grooming suddenly outranks your mental health.
I’ve had seasons where I didn’t know what I needed until the absence of it hurt. Rest. Clarity. Help. Sometimes what we need is simple—a break, a nap, a hug, some space, a drink. And sometimes it’s so much deeper than that—someone to listen and not judge, to hold space without trying to fix it. Someone to say, “I’ve got you” without me having to first audition for the part of deserving human. Or maybe it's laughter so hard that will make you cry and a good distraction from what you are facing.
And occasionally, what I need is for someone else to handle the “urgent” voice mail that’s been sitting in my phone Tuesday while I go eat something shaped like bread (because gluten free bread tastes like cardboard).
The workplace isn’t much different. Teams will flounder in silence before admitting they need clearer direction, better tools, or simply more time. Leaders avoid asking “What do you need?” because they’re afraid they’ll hear something they can’t give. But that question—asked with sincerity—doesn’t always require a yes. Sometimes the magic is in just being asked, in being seen.
Here’s the kicker: unmet needs don’t disappear. They leak out—in burnout, in passive-aggressive “I’m fine”s, in 37-slide decks no one asked for.
If you’ve ever felt like your needs don’t matter enough to ask for, go back and read Not Enough Is a Liar (But She’s Very Convincing). Spoiler: she’s been whispering in your ear longer than you realize.
And if you’re stuck in that in-between place where you think you know what you need but it’s not clear yet—welcome to the Messy Middle. That’s where clarity hides until you’re brave enough to ask for it.
So, here’s my nudge, for myself as much as you: When someone asks what you need, pause. Breathe. Answer honestly—even if it’s small. And when you’re the one asking, mean it.
Want to take it next level? Flip the script and ask yourself every morning for a week, before coffee, before email, before anyone else’s to-do list hits your lap: What do I need today? Then—here’s the hard part—act on it.
Because sometimes “what you need” isn’t a resource, a policy, or a miracle. It’s permission.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: Knowing what you need isn’t selfish—it’s strategic. Asking for it is how you move from “fine” to fulfilled.