Big Girl Panties Diaries – Entry #55 What Your Energy Says When You’re Not Speaking

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Jul 27

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People have been telling me for years that I have “calming energy.”

At first, I didn’t quite know what to do with that. Calming? I’m a detail-driven, people-managing, emotion-carrying doer who sometimes forgets where she put her phone while holding it.

But I’ve come to believe they’re not wrong. That energy didn’t happen by accident—it’s something I built.

Especially at work, where leading through chaos became less of a season and more of a skill set. During COVID, that skill went from “nice to have” to non-negotiable. I had to steady teams through uncertainty, drive clarity when answers were in short supply, and show up like a lighthouse when I wasn’t always sure where the shore was myself.

I’ve written before about leading through fog Entry #12, and how survival sometimes transforms into strategy. And in Behind the Scenes of Rise & Thrive, I shared how thriving meant learning how to be steady without going numb.

So yes, I’ve earned my calming energy. But let’s not confuse a grounded presence with a weightless one. Sometimes, the energy I give off doesn’t match the storm I’m managing underneath.

(Also—let the record show I’m not sipping coffee while I steady the room. It’s an iced chai latte, thank you very much.)

The Energy We Carry (and Don’t Even Know It)

When I walk into a room, I try to be warm, present, engaged. But sometimes, I bring a suitcase of other stuff too: stress disguised as determination, people-pleasing masked as helpfulness, control cloaked in competence.

We don’t always notice it—but others do. Your energy walks in before you do.

And I’ve learned: I can be exhausted and still smile. I can be overextended and still say yes. I can radiate “I’ve got this” energy while quietly falling apart.

It’s not always intentional. It’s survival. Especially if you’re the default planner, the emotional anchor, the one who remembers birthdays and brings the snacks and the backup charger.

But over time, the gap between how we feel and how we’re perceived gets heavy. And the vibes get confusing—even to ourselves.

I’ve Been the Magnet, the Mirrorball, and the Martyr (Before Lunch)

Here’s the truth: I’ve spent years giving off energy I thought made me safe, useful, or lovable.

I’ve been the Magnet, attracting everyone’s chaos because I seemed “so grounded.”
I’ve been the Mirrorball, reflecting what people wanted from me, but not who I really was.
I’ve been the Mother Hen, taking care of everyone while neglecting myself.
And I’ve definitely been the Martyr, doing too much and resenting every second of it.

If any of that feels familiar, you’re not alone. But you’re also not stuck.

The Shift: From Personal to Professional

At work, the stakes are different—but the patterns? Very much the same.

That “I’ll handle it” energy? It gets rewarded. Promoted. But it also trains people to lean on you without really seeing you. It says, “I’ve got it,” even when you don’t. It says, “Don’t worry,” even when you’re quietly worried about everything. It says, “I don’t need help”—when you absolutely do.

And while leadership is often about holding space and staying steady… there’s a difference between being reliable and being resentful. Between being calm and being emotionally unavailable. Between giving off confidence and carrying a quiet chaos no one else sees.

Your Energy Teaches People How to Treat You

Ask yourself:

Do I attract collaboration—or hand off a vibe that says “I’ve got it” before anyone offers?
Do I make space for vulnerability—or do I radiate perfection even when I’m struggling?
Do people come to me to connect or to offload?

You may think you're giving “approachable and composed.” But people might be picking up “already at capacity—do not disturb.”

The Permission Slip You Didn’t Know You Needed

You’re allowed to give off warm, grounded energy without absorbing everyone’s mess. You’re allowed to bring clarity and strength without carrying the entire team (or family, or group chat). You’re allowed to shift your energy without explaining yourself to anyone.

Because the strongest energy in the room isn’t always the loudest, busiest, or most impressive. Sometimes it’s the stillness. The boundary. The honest, “I’m not okay today, and that’s okay.”

Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: Guard your energy like it’s your last phone charge at the airport.

Want More?

If this one hit a nerve (or five), you’re not alone. I’ve been unpacking the invisible load—and the energy leaks—for a while now:

Feeling like everyone’s emotional support hotline? Read Drop the Potato — it’s a survival guide for people who carry too much for too long.
Always the one organizing, coordinating, and triple-confirming the plans? The Cost of Always Being the Default breaks down why “helpful” doesn’t always feel helpful (especially to you).
Show up polished but feel like a mess inside? You’re in good company. Professional Me Is My PR Team explores the disconnect between perception and reality—and why masking gets heavy.
Wondering when your energy started feeling transactional? Seen, Paid, Respected gets into the real perks people want (and rarely receive).