Big Girl Panties Diaries – Entry #54: The Five Words I Build My Life Around
I used to think I was just “too sensitive.” Or “too intense.” Or “too independent for my own good.”
But really? I just hadn’t named my values yet.
For a long time, I didn’t consciously know what mattered most to me. I just knew what made me feel off. The way my chest tightened in meetings that were “fine” but didn’t feel safe. The energy drain from relationships that looked good on paper but never left me feeling seen.
Once I started paying attention, the pattern got loud.
So, I did the work. I asked hard questions. I sat with the discomfort. And I finally found the words.
My values? Family. Love. Safety. Independence. Adventure.
And once I named them, I started noticing them everywhere. And more importantly—noticing when they were missing.
Family means I show up. Even when I’m tired, overbooked, or one eyelash away from a meltdown—I show up. Because that’s how I was raised, and that’s how I raise my daughters: with presence. With consistency. With the kind of love that isn’t loud, but loyal.
Love means I care deeply. Sometimes too deeply. It shows up in long text check-ins, cards in the mail, and “just wanted to see how you were doing” messages. It also means I’ve had to learn how to stop pouring into people who only show up with a thimble.
Safety isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. It’s knowing I can be myself without walking on eggshells. That my heart, my voice, and my boundaries won’t be weaponized. In relationships, in workplaces, in friendships—this one’s non-negotiable. Funny enough, I didn’t even name this value at first. It felt too “soft.” Until I realized how often I was navigating rooms where I didn’t feel it.
Independence is my oxygen. I can love you and still need space. I can be part of the team and still need autonomy. I’ve learned that sacrificing my independence for approval is a deal I won’t make again. (Been there. Dimmed that.)
Adventure is my reminder that life isn’t just about stability. It’s about joy. New places, spontaneous plans, bold moves. It’s the spark that keeps me from going numb under the weight of responsibility. Some seasons, adventure looks like road trips. Other times, it looks like trying sushi on a Tuesday or sending that risky text. Either way—it’s a reminder that I’m still alive, still growing, still me.
But here’s the thing: sometimes values clash. Sometimes honoring one means quieting another.
Like when choosing family meant pressing pause on adventure. Or when prioritizing independence made someone I loved feel like I was pulling away.
The lesson? Values aren’t always convenient. But they are always clarifying.
And this doesn’t just apply to personal life—it applies to leadership, too.
We talk a lot about “culture fit,” “engagement,” and “belonging.” But how often do we talk about values alignment?
Because sometimes the red flag isn’t a person. It’s a situation that consistently violates your values.
If you say “people first” but punish vulnerability, you’re not valuing safety. If you say “growth mindset” but micromanage every task, you’re not valuing independence. If your version of team culture means “fit in or get out,” then love, family, and adventure don’t stand a chance.
Values aren’t just personal—they’re a leadership lens. They show up in how we hire, lead, give feedback, and build trust.
And ignoring them? That’s how burnout happens. Not all at once—but slowly, when we live out of sync with what matters most.
So, here’s a gut-check for anyone still figuring it out:
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What makes you feel calm, energized, or proud?
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What makes you want to bolt, shrink, or overcompensate?
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What words do you want your life to be about?
These five are mine. They’re not “aspirational.” They’re foundational.
And if someone doesn’t get them? That’s okay. But they don’t get me, either.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: Your values aren’t vague fluff. They’re the compass that keeps you from getting lost in a world that rewards performance over authenticity.
And once you start living them out loud—people will either respect the clarity or quietly remove themselves.
Either way, it’s a win.
And if someone ever asks why you’re “so intense” about your values? Just smile and say: “They’re not negotiable. They’re me.”
Related Reads from Big Girl Panties Diaries:
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The Cost of Always Being the Default Planner When independence gets buried under invisible labor—and how to reclaim it. Read it here →
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The Sweet Spot Isn’t on a Map Sometimes presence, laughter, and a spontaneous detour are the real destination. Read it here →
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It’s Not About You (Even When It Feels Like It Is) Learning to stop shrinking in spaces that don’t feel safe. Read it here →
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Swipe Left, Universe: I Got the Hint (But I’m Still Standing) Red flags, gut feelings, and learning to trust yourself the first time. Read it here →