Big Girl Panties Diaries – Entry #53: The Cost of Always Being the Default Planner/Problem-Solver
I asked a simple question.
“What do you want to do for dinner?”
And got the usual reply: “I don’t care. Whatever you want.” Cue the inner scream.
Because I always decide. Because I always plan. Because if I don’t solve the problem, it just… hangs there like a bad smell.
This isn’t just about dinner. It’s about the mental load of always being the designated driver of decisions—big or small, mundane or mission-critical. At work, at home, in friend groups, on vacations, in relationships. If there’s a problem, I’m already halfway into solution mode before anyone else has even noticed the issue.
At first, it felt like a superpower. “Look at me go! Capable! Efficient! Reliable!”
But let me tell you—being the default decider is a full-time job with no PTO and zero appreciation bonuses.
When You’re the Go-To, You’re Also the Never-Asked
I’ve learned that when people know you’ll handle it, they stop asking if you want to. They just start expecting it.
You stop getting invited to dream up ideas, because you’ve been slotted as the one who will figure out logistics. You stop being part of spontaneous fun because you’re the one responsible for making sure everyone has their water bottle, sunblock, and backup chargers.
It’s not that others are incapable. It’s just that you’ve trained them to outsource their decision fatigue to you. Which would be fine… if it didn’t lead to yours.
Burnout Wears a Pretty Mask
I used to think I was just “high capacity.” Turns out, I was just over-functioning to compensate for a whole lot of under-functioning around me.
The worst part? I didn’t even realize how much it cost me until I started setting boundaries—and people got mad.
Mad that I didn’t make the plan. Mad that I didn’t fix the problem. Mad that I stopped playing my unspoken role.
But here’s the truth: just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
In the Workplace: Delegation Is Not a Dirty Word
This dynamic plays out professionally, too. Ever been in a meeting where no one volunteers, so you sigh and raise your hand (again)? Ever get praised for being “so dependable” and realize it’s just code for “we know you’ll pick up the slack”?
Leadership isn’t about doing it all. It’s about knowing when not to—and making space for others to step up. Even if it means living with a little discomfort… or a slightly less perfect plan.
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. I’ve worn the “capable” costume for so long I forgot what it felt like to just be.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: If You Always Drive, No One Learns to Steer.
Let people be uncomfortable. Let them flounder a little. Let someone else Google the restaurant, figure out the RSVP deadline, or decide what time we’re meeting. You’re not being difficult—you’re creating room for shared responsibility.
And when someone finally asks, “What do you want to do?” Take a breath. Smile. And say, “Thanks for asking.” You might even enjoy the ride for once.