Big Girl Panties Diaries: Entry #52 It’s Not About You (Even When It Feels Like It Is)
You walk into a meeting, and someone doesn’t make eye contact. A text goes unanswered. Someone’s unusually quiet in the group chat. Clearly… you’ve done something wrong. Right?
Let me stop you right there.
This one’s for the overthinkers, the “maybe it was my tone” crowd, the people who feel responsible for vibes they didn’t create. (Hi. Same.)
We like to think of ourselves as empathetic—tuned in, self-aware, emotionally intelligent. But sometimes? That “awareness” tips into self-absorption. Not the narcissistic kind. The "everyone’s acting weird—what did I do?” kind. The emotional equivalent of putting yourself at the center of a movie no one else is watching.
The truth is:
Most people are just trying to get through their day. That email wasn’t curt—it was typed between Teams calls. That distant colleague? Probably has a migraine. That friend who didn’t reply? She’s underwater, not mad.
But we fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios—because if we caused the tension, at least we can fix it. And that illusion of control? Comforting. (Also exhausting.)
I’ve done this dance more times than I’d like to admit.
Especially when life feels emotionally raw — when your bandwidth is low, even neutral feedback feels loaded. You hear “we need to talk” and your brain drafts an apology before you know what it’s about.
But guess what?
Not everything that feels personal is personal.
Helpful reframe:
-
It's not always about you.
-
It’s not always about them, either.
-
Sometimes it’s just… life.
People are tired. Distracted. Managing their own emotional spreadsheets. Not everything is a referendum on your character. Or a signal that you’re not enough. Or proof that you overstepped.
Sometimes, the potatoes you’re carrying (see: Drop the Potato) aren’t even yours. Sometimes, the root cause isn’t something you did—it's a bad system, bad timing, or bad sleep. (Related: Root Cause.)
And sometimes, someone else’s silence has more to do with them than it ever did with you. (Looking at you, Reality Left Me on Read.)
Instead of spiraling, try this:
-
Don’t assign meaning without data.
-
Ask: What else could be true?
-
Assume positive (or at least neutral) intent.
-
Give grace—to them and to yourself.
Because here’s the kicker:
If you’re the kind of person who worries that you’re the problem… You’re probably not the problem.
You’re probably someone who just cares a little too much, reads between lines that weren’t meant to be read, and wants to show up well for people.
That’s not weakness. That’s your strength. You just don’t need to weaponize it against yourself.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: You are not the main character in someone else’s bad day. Take off the guilt crown—you were never meant to wear it.