Big Girl Panties Diaries – Entry #56 Freedom Looks Good on Me (Even If It Took Me a While to Try It On)
You ever spend half your life forcing things?
Forcing a smile. Forcing a conversation. Forcing yourself into roles, routines, and relationships that feel like wearing shoes two sizes too small—just because they looked cute in someone else’s Instagram story?
Yeah. Me too.
I used to think struggle meant I was doing something right. That resistance was a sign of strength. That if I was exhausted, depleted, and low-key resentful, I must be succeeding.
Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.
Somewhere along the way, I confused grit with gridlock. I thought the harder path was the holier one. That ease was laziness. That surrender was weakness. That alignment was for yoga mats.
But lately, I’ve been flirting with freedom. And let me tell you—it’s a whole different kind of sexy.
I’m not talking about a tropical vacation or quitting your job to live in a van with a golden retriever named Mochi (though honestly, tempting). I’m talking about the kind of freedom you feel in your nervous system when you stop betraying yourself. When you stop chasing what doesn’t want to be caught. When you stop pushing so damn hard.
Because here’s what I’ve learned: Sometimes the path of least resistance isn’t giving up—it’s letting go. Sometimes surrender is strategy. And sometimes liberation looks like unlearning everything that taught you to prove, perform, or people-please your way into worthiness.
Where It Started
I didn’t invent this mindset—I inherited it.
Growing up, I absorbed that “hard” meant honorable. Rest was indulgent. Quiet meant you weren’t doing enough. Even now, I have to fight the part of me that feels guilty if I’m not overfunctioning. I wore busy like a badge, burned out like it was brave.
But burnout isn’t a personality trait. Neither is self-betrayal.
The Body Knows
Before I consciously let go, my body beat me to it.
First came the fatigue I couldn’t shake. Then the headaches, the clenched jaw, the chest that forgot how to exhale. And—my personal favorite—the involuntary eye twitch that showed up during meetings like it had a recurring invite. Nothing says “I’m totally fine” like a facial tic you can’t control.
My nervous system was doing a slow scream while I was still out here smiling politely, taking notes, and overachieving. I called it commitment. My body called it absolutely not.
(Side note: If your brain won’t shut off and your eye is doing Morse code, check out “Drop the Potato”—you’re not alone.)
Liberation at Work
This shift didn’t just happen in my personal life—it rewired how I lead.
There was a time I believed strong leadership meant pushing through. Holding the line. Shouldering it all. But over time I learned something radical: Ease is contagious. Clarity creates calm. And letting go of control doesn’t create chaos—it invites collaboration.
Freedom at work has looked like:
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Delegating without micromanaging.
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Saying no to projects that drain more than they deliver.
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Choosing clarity over constant urgency.
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Not answering emails at 10 PM just to prove I care.
It’s modeling a new kind of leadership. One that values energy conservation as much as execution.
(If this hits, you might also like “Seen, Paid, Respected”.)
When You Let Go, Things Flow
You know what’s wild? The best things in my life didn’t arrive through force. They came when I unclenched. When I followed the quiet “yes” instead of the loud obligation. When I let space back in.
Turns out, when you stop trying to fix what isn’t yours, the right things find you faster.
Just because something used to work doesn’t mean it still serves you. Just because someone else can carry it, doesn’t mean you should.
A Softer Strength
Freedom, for me, has looked like:
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Saying no without giving a thesis on why.
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Letting people be disappointed without rescuing them from it.
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Letting go of outdated stories that once felt like survival strategies.
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Breathing deeper. Sleeping better. Feeling my feelings without editing them.
It’s not loud. It doesn’t beg for attention. It just is. A steady hum of alignment instead of the chaos of self-neglect.
My yoga teacher said something in class today that hit me sideways: “Find something that doesn’t serve you—and let it go.”
Sounds simple in theory. But there’s a reason they call it practicing yoga.
Because sometimes, you have to let go of the same thing a hundred times before it finally stays gone. A belief. A habit. A story you’ve been telling yourself since middle school.
And sometimes—it’s not even a thing you need to release. It’s an expectation. A desire. A picture in your head of how it was supposed to turn out.
Sometimes freedom is just quiet, reluctant acceptance. Not because you don’t care anymore— But because you’re finally ready to stop arguing with reality.
The practice is in coming back. To your breath. To your body. To the truth of what you need now.
And that, too, is freedom.
Real Talk
If you’re stuck, exhausted, or clinging to something that keeps slipping—maybe it’s not a sign to hold on tighter. Maybe it’s your permission slip to loosen your grip.
The path of least resistance isn’t the cop-out. It might just be the way in—to peace, clarity, and something that finally feels like home.
Because freedom? It’s not about walking away from everything. It’s about coming back to yourself.
And spoiler alert: It looks really good on you.