Big Girl Panties Diaries - Entry #38 Professional Me Is My PR Team — Meet the Real Me

Career, Identity & Rei...Relationships & Bounda...Leadership & The Human...

Jul 9

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You know that moment when someone describes you and it’s… off? Like when someone calls you “laid back” and you’re like, Ma’am, I have a backup plan for my backup plan and a spreadsheet for my anxiety. Or when someone says you’re intimidating when you’re just tired and caffeinated.

It’s disorienting. Even hurtful. And it begs the question: Do you even know me?

We live in a world of “How are you?” with no pause for the answer. A world where people know your highlight reel but not your deleted scenes. Your coffee order but not your coping strategies. Your job title but not your core fears.

And here’s the truth no one wants to admit: Most people don’t actually know you. They know the version you bring to meetings. The version you’ve polished, packaged, or trauma-filtered for public consumption.

But the real you? That’s invite-only.

I’ve had people make assumptions about me based on what they see on LinkedIn, in a meeting, or during a brief conversation in the bleachers. But real knowing? That takes more than compliments and coffee. It takes curiosity, attention, and patience.

For example — many people don’t know how shy I actually am. Or how much of an introvert I am. They see me leading a meeting, speaking on stage, running a town hall — and assume that’s me. But that’s the professional persona I’ve learned to wear like armor. It’s real, but it’s not all of me. I’m the person who needs quiet after the noise. Who rehearses conversations in my head. Who gets emotionally jetlagged after a day of peopling. But you’d never know that if you’re only watching from the front row of a presentation.

And let’s be honest — social media only makes it worse. You see the filtered wins, the shiny captions, the carefully cropped chaos and think you’re getting the story. But you’re not seeing the self-doubt, the late-night spirals, the exhaustion, the yoga pants, and the “I just ran a 5K during my lunch break and swapped out my sweaty top so I could look put together on Teams” version of me. You’re seeing the highlight reel — not the hard parts.

Sometimes the people who “know” us best don’t really see us at all. And sometimes, the ones who do? They surprise you.

The Real Ones Know…

When your silence isn’t peace — it’s processing.
When “I’m good” actually means “I’m unraveling but trying not to.”
When you pull away because you’re overwhelmed, not because you don’t care.
When you’re about to lose it — not because you’re dramatic, but because you’ve held it together too long.

I’ve felt misunderstood in rooms where I should have been celebrated. And I’ve been deeply seen in moments I didn’t expect — by someone who noticed the way I fidget when I’m anxious, or the way I laugh too loud when I’m covering sadness.

About Adult Friendships

Adult friendships are weird, aren’t they? You can have people in your life for 5, 10, 20 years — celebrate birthdays, trade memes, talk about the weather — yet sometimes realize they don’t actually know you. Not the 3AM-you. Not the “this is my biggest fear” you. Not the real you under the layers you’ve learned to manage.

Real friendship is work. It’s awkward conversations. It’s circling back when you’re hurt. It’s letting your guard down enough that someone sees the messy bits — and trusting they won’t run.

I’ve learned (and re-learned) that some people are seasonal: they’re there for the dinners and group pics but not the storm. And some people? They’re the ones you can call when your world is on fire, when you’re rage-crying, when you don’t have the energy to be impressive.

Those ones? Hold tight. Because feeling known is rare. And it’s priceless.

At Work, This Shows Up Too

I’ve seen leaders assume they know their team: “He’s disengaged.” “She’s not a team player.” But have they asked why? Have they looked beyond performance to see the person?

We love our labels. But real leadership — like real friendship — requires us to go deeper.

From the Archives of Personal Humility

Let me confess: I’ve missed the mark too. I’ve assumed. I’ve judged too quickly. I’ve loved the version of someone they let me see, not realizing they were quietly hiding the rest.

Sometimes, we all choose the polished version — because we’re scared that being fully known means being fully rejected.

And sometimes, we hide because the people around us haven’t earned our truth.

Favorite Reminders

Real connection isn’t built through presence. It’s built through presence of mind.
If someone tells you who they are — believe them. But if they show you something deeper, believe that more.
Just because someone’s always around doesn’t mean they actually see you. And just because someone sees you doesn’t mean they’ll stick around. Choose wisely.
You can’t feel known if you’re never fully showing up. And you won’t be fully known by someone who only loves the polished parts.

A Mirror Moment for You

Who really knows you?

Not your curated Insta-you. Not your “I’m fine” work-self. The cracked, complex, sometimes-too-much, sometimes-not-enough, fully human version of you.

Do you let anyone that close?

And if not… Is it because you’re hiding? Or because they’ve never truly looked?

BGPD Call to Action: Check in with your people. Ask the better question. Listen without fixing. And when someone says, “You really get me”? Don’t take it lightly. That’s sacred. That’s rare. That’s real.

Big Girl Panties Rule: Your highlight reel may get you applause — but your real people love your behind-the-scenes. Let them.

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