Big Girl Panties Diaries - Entry #39: What’s Really Bothering You?

Ever snap at someone for leaving a dish in the sink — but deep down, you know it’s not about the dish? Yeah. That.

Sometimes the tiny thing that sets you off is just the spark — but the bonfire’s been burning for a while. Maybe it’s stress at work, feeling unappreciated, that thing you’re too afraid to say out loud — or a grudge you keep watering like a houseplant you should’ve thrown out months ago.

Here’s what I’ve learned (usually the hard way): When your reaction feels bigger than the situation, there’s a root cause hiding under there somewhere.

• Ever get irrationally annoyed at a coworker’s typo or a pointless meeting — but really, you’re burned out and feel unheard?

• Snap at your partner for not taking out the trash — but what you really want is for them to ask how your day really was?

• Procrastinate on something big, then beat yourself up — but the truth is, you’re scared of failing?

The tiny stuff is just the symptom.

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Try This: The 5 Whys (Big Girl Panties Style)

When your reaction feels extra, pause and dig deeper. Here’s how:

Example: The Teams Message Meltdown

1️⃣ State the problem: “I’m furious that Jordan didn’t respond to my Teams message.”

2️⃣ Ask ‘Why?’ “Why am I so mad?” — Because it feels like they’re ignoring me.

3️⃣ Why? “Why does it feel so personal?” — Because I’m already worried people don’t respect my ideas.

4️⃣ Why? “Why do I think they don’t respect me?” — Because I haven’t been getting feedback from my boss and I feel invisible.

5️⃣ Why? “Why do I feel invisible?” — Because I’m not speaking up enough — and I’m scared to ask for clarity on my role.

See? It’s not about the Teams message. It’s about feeling undervalued and unheard.

When you feel that whoa, that was bigger than it needed to be reaction, keep asking why until you hit that gut-punch truth you’d rather avoid. That’s your root. Name it, claim it — then figure out what you need next.

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Leaders do this too — micromanaging someone over a tiny mistake when the real issue is trust (or the lack of it). Fixing the symptom doesn’t change a thing if the root’s still rotting under the surface.

And hey — when you find the root, don’t beat yourself up. You’re human. Dig it up, look at it, name it — then decide what to do with it. You can’t heal what you won’t admit.

So next time you’re triggered by something tiny, ask: Is this the thing, or is this about the thing behind the thing? Your future self — and everyone who lives or works with you — will thank you.

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🩲 Big Girl Panties Rule:

When you blow up over the small stuff, grab a shovel. The real issue is probably buried deeper.

🩲 Related Big Girl Panties Diaries:

• Trust Your Gut (Before She Quits on You!) — because sometimes your body knows the root before your brain does.

• The Apology You’ll Never Get — for what to do when your root cause is someone who’ll never own their part.

• Zen(ish) and Still Standing — on staying steady when your triggers start piling up.