Big Girl Panties Diaries -Entry #37: Conversation Skills: Apparently Not Included
No one really teaches us how to have a conversation. Sure, we learn how to talk — but do we learn how to share the floor?
Ever get stuck in a one-way monologue? You ask how they’re doing and suddenly you’re front row for a personal TED Talk about their promotion, their new puppy, their ex’s drama, and the detailed plotline of a dream they had last Tuesday. Meanwhile, you could be replaced by a cardboard cutout — they wouldn’t notice.
Confession: I’m so guilty of this too. Especially when I’m nervous. My brain goes, “Quick! Fill the silence! Talk faster! Maybe they’ll like you!” Turns out, true connection usually lives in the pauses — the bits we’re so busy trying to fill.
Here’s the thing: a good conversation is like a dance. There’s a give and take. A curiosity. A moment when you zip your lips and open your ears. But nobody teaches that part. We learn grammar, punctuation, and how to ‘use our inside voice,’ but no one sits us down and says, “Hey, this is how you make someone feel heard — and how to actually listen.”
It’s not just our personal lives — this shows up at work, too. Ever been in a meeting that’s basically one person’s solo podcast episode? Meanwhile, the real insights are sitting inside the quieter folks who never get the mic. Good leaders know this: they ask more than they tell. They listen for what’s unsaid. They don’t treat every conversation like an audition for “Most Interesting Person in the Room.”
And let’s talk about the emotional labor side of this. Some of us were raised to be ‘good listeners’ — so we become the dumping ground for other people’s stories. That’s not a conversation; that’s unpaid overtime for your empathy. (I wrote about ‘orbiting,’ too — people who circle your life without ever really seeing you. Funny how much orbiting happens when no one pauses to ask, “And what about you?”)
And in a world where we’re all so time-poor, real, thoughtful conversation can feel like a luxury — but maybe it shouldn’t be. Maybe that’s exactly the point.
Signs it’s not a conversation?
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You say “mm-hmm” 37 times.
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Your snack is long gone.
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They’ve yet to ask you a single question.
So here’s your Big Girl Panties challenge: Next time you catch yourself rambling, pause. Ask one genuine follow-up question. You might be surprised what you learn when you make space for someone else’s story.
And you know it’s a good one when you both lose track of time, your cheeks hurt from laughing, and you walk away knowing something new about each other — not just one person’s highlight reel.
So, yeah — big girl panties on. Ears open. Mouth (mostly) closed. Your relationships will thank you. And hey — so will the cardboard cutouts.
Big Girl Panties Rule: If you want an audience, launch a podcast. If you want connection, shut up and listen.
Tell me: Have you ever been stuck nodding through a one-way rant? Or do you catch yourself hogging the spotlight when you’re nervous? Drop your stories — I promise to actually listen.
#BigGirlPantiesDiaries #Communication #Listening #Leadership #EmotionalLabor #ChangeLeadership