Big Girl Panties Diaries: Lookout Expectations: Bar’s Still High — Sorry, Not Sorry
Over and over, I’ve been told to “lower my expectations.” Be realistic. Don’t set the bar so high. Don’t expect too much — of people, of work, of love, of life.
But here’s the thing: I’ve tested that theory. I’ve let myself believe that if I aim lower, I’ll be less disappointed when reality doesn’t show up with confetti cannons and a parade.
Spoiler: That never works for me. Lowering my expectations doesn’t actually stop the sting — it just makes me feel like I betrayed myself by settling for less than I deserve. Double whammy.
Sometimes we lower the bar because we’ve been taught it’s polite. Or we’re scared of being labeled “demanding.” Or maybe we just don’t want to sit with the sting that someone (or something) doesn’t want to meet us halfway.
But it becomes a loop: expect too little, get too little, tell yourself that’s all you deserve — and around you go.
I see this at work, too. We’re told to expect the strategy to come to life. Leaders will lead, teammates will follow through, the culture will match the glossy slide deck. But when reality drags its feet? We’re told to “be realistic.” Maybe the real flex is saying, “This isn’t about my expectations being too high — it’s about our reality being too low.”
And if you’re a leader? Be the one who matches the culture deck with the actual culture. Meet people where you promised you would. Don’t ask people to expect less — deliver more.
Sometimes I think back to that time I expected someone — let’s call him the Human Participation Trophy — to show up for me in a real way. I let myself believe the excuses. I lowered the bar so low he could crawl right over it. And when he still tripped? I told myself, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” But my body knew — the pit in my stomach said it wasn’t fine at all.
Your body always knows. Just like I wrote in “Trust Your Gut Before You…” — your body gives you signals before your mind admits it. That dance in your stomach, the jaw clench, the eye twitch, the too-loud “No worries!” — they’re all whispering (or screaming): this isn’t right.
Next time you feel that pit in your stomach, ask: Is my expectation too high — or is my standard just making someone uncomfortable because they’re not ready to rise to it? Big difference.
I’ve learned there’s a difference between adjusting expectations and lowering them. Adjusting means staying grounded — eyes open to what’s possible — without abandoning what you actually need and deserve. Lowering means gaslighting yourself into believing you’re “too much” for wanting what you want.
Unmet expectations don’t always mean you’re unrealistic — sometimes they’re a clue that someone or something just isn’t right for you.
It’s like I said when I wrote about trust — I’ve learned the hard way that trust and expectations are twins. One gets bruised when the other’s ignored.
So here’s my new rule: I’m done watering myself down for a reality that refuses to grow up. Reality can get it together — or it can get out of my way.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: Don’t water yourself down for a reality that refuses to grow up.
✨ What about you? Do you lower your expectations to avoid disappointment — or do you hold the line?
✨ When’s the last time your body told you, “Hey, we deserve better than this”?
✨ And in the workplace — are you lowering your expectations, or is it time to raise the reality?
High bar. Big Girl Panties. Door locked if reality keeps showing up empty-handed.
Bar’s still high — sorry, not sorry.