Big Girl Panties Diaries- Entry #43: Ask For What You Want (Because Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed)
You’d think asking for what you want would be second nature — but for many of us, it’s practically an Olympic sport.
We drop hints. We hope they’ll read our mind. We water down our needs so we don’t seem “too much.” We settle for “it’s fine” when it’s definitely not fine.
Spoiler: that approach never works.
I was very shy as a child. As a recovering people pleaser, I never wanted to trouble anyone or be a burden. So, I made myself small, swallowed my needs, and became a serial over-apologizer — a habit I’m still working to break.
So many of us were raised to be polite, agreeable, and grateful for whatever we’re given. But “polite” doesn’t pay the bills. And “grateful” doesn’t get you the career (or life) you actually want. I wrote more about dropping the polished facade in Entry #38: Professional Me Is My PR Team.
It wasn’t until much later in my career that I finally grew into my voice — and my backbone. I realized that no one is coming to read my mind or hand me what I deserve on a silver platter. I have to ask for it — clearly, kindly, and sometimes repeatedly.
Over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to mentor many female leaders, and the one thing I always encourage them to do is ask for what they want — whether that’s an opportunity, an experience, more responsibility, or even a raise.
Over the course of my career, I’ve counted asking five times to date for my compensation to align with my responsibilities. Did I get the compensation? Yes. Did I get the promotion I asked for as well? Two times out of four asks. Did I present a solid business case each time? Absolutely — I stuck to the facts and provided concrete, comparable examples. Was it uncomfortable to ask? Yes — but it got easier with practice. Did it take multiple conversations sometimes? Yes. Was it worth it in the end? Yes!
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to do it alone. Run your ask by a mentor. Practice with a friend. Gather your receipts and make your case airtight. Preparation is confidence fuel. If you need help framing those conversations, I unpack that in Put Your Big Girl Panties On: The Power of Clear and Kind Conversations.
A ‘no’ isn’t rejection of you. It’s redirection — so you can spend your energy where the answer might be ‘yes.’
And you know what’s worse than a ‘no’? The years you waste wondering what might’ve happened if you’d just asked.
If you need a nudge: studies show women are far less likely to negotiate their salaries — and miss out on hundreds of thousands of dollars over a lifetime. Ask.
I once thought asking made me look needy, high-maintenance, or bossy. Now I know that asking is one of the most radical acts of self-respect. It draws a line in the sand: “Hey, I matter enough to say what I want. And I trust you enough to tell you.”
Sure, it won’t always go your way. Not everyone is ready to hear you out, much less give you what you asked for. But even then — you win. Because you’ll know where you stand. You’ll stop wasting time waiting for crumbs. You’ll move toward people and places that can actually meet you at your level. And if you’re working on dismantling your “Fortress of Fine,” I get it — I wrote about that in Entry #33: The Fortress I Built (And Why It’s Coming Down).
Want the raise? Ask for it. Want clearer boundaries? Ask for them. Want help? For the love of all that’s holy — ask for it. Want your doctor to take your symptoms seriously? Ask. Want your friend to show up for you the way you do for them? Ask.
And if your voice shakes, so be it. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Open yours.
I want my daughters — and every woman I mentor — to grow up knowing that using your voice isn’t selfish. It’s brave. It’s necessary. And sometimes it’s life-changing.
Big Girl Panties Rule: No one can advocate for you better than you. Put on your big girl panties and ask — because you’re worth it. 🩲
Over to you: What’s something you need to ask for — but haven’t yet? Drop it in the comments. Let’s normalize being brave enough to speak up.
🔗 Further Reading: