Big Girl Panties Diaries - Entry #19 - Why Are You So Hard to Read? (Also, Are We Good?)
I can read a room, a vibe, a spreadsheet, or a subtext-laden email in under five seconds flat.
As a change leader, I pride myself on reading people for a living. It’s literally part of the job—spotting resistance in a too-quick nod, hearing worry behind the “Sounds great,” knowing when a smile in a meeting is masking fear of what’s next.
Over 90% of communication is nonverbal—and I take that seriously. I’ve made it a habit to study people. Not just at work, but everywhere. In hallway conversations. On Teams calls. In the car with my daughters after a long day when they say they’re “fine,” but I know better. I notice the micro-pauses, the deflections, the tell-me-without-telling-me cues. I track tone, timing, eye contact, and silence like a hawk.
It’s served me well—personally and professionally.
So when I can’t read someone? Cue internal chaos.
It’s like staring at a book with no title, no table of contents, and all the pages glued shut. You don’t know where you stand—if they’re interested, annoyed, emotionally constipated, or just really, really good at poker.
Some people wear their feelings like a billboard. Others? They’re emotional escape rooms with no clues.
And let’s be honest—some of them are just plain backed up emotionally. I wrote about this in my Emotional Constipation post: the longer people hold it in, the messier it gets. If you haven't seen a real adult tantrum wrapped in passive-aggression, just wait until someone finally explodes after three weeks of "I'm fine." Spoiler: no one wants to be around a crankpus.
And the worst part? My brain doesn’t just move on. Oh no. It spirals into a full-blown detective montage:
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Did I say too much?
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Did I not say enough?
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Are they mad, confused, or just bad at communicating?
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Should I ask? (No. Maybe. Definitely. Oh God.)
Like:
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They gave a vague “Let’s circle back” in a meeting. Do they actually want to revisit it—or are they professionally ghosting me?
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They hearted my message but didn’t reply. Is that closure? Or a conversation starter?
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Their tone shifted halfway through the call. Are they distracted—or did I unknowingly step on an emotional landmine?
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A close friend suddenly stops texting back mid-convo. Did they get busy, or are they quietly mad I cancelled plans last minute… again?
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Someone looks at me sideways in a hallway after a big decision meeting. Are they skeptical of the plan—or just in need of coffee and better lighting?
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My daughter says “it’s fine” in that very specific tone that means “absolutely not fine,” but also “don’t ask.” Do I push? Do I wait? Do I start making snacks?
And it’s funny—because people actually come to me with this same challenge: “I just can’t read them.”
You know what I say?
Ask them.
It sounds simple, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes it takes courage. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. But if done with care and curiosity—not accusation—it can be incredibly telling. A well-placed “Hey, are we okay?” or “You seemed a little off—everything alright?” can break the spell of ambiguity faster than hours of overthinking ever will.
And here’s the thing: in leadership and in life, unreadable people slow everything down. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck decoding someone’s tone. You can’t build trust if you’re not even sure where you stand.
But once I can read someone—once they let me in—I’ve learned it’s not about fixing or analyzing. It’s about LUV: Listening. Understanding. Validating. That’s what helps people open up. That’s what gets us beneath the surface, whether it’s a team member shutting down during change, or a friend replying with one-word texts while silently struggling. LUV breaks the cycle of overthinking. It invites connection without pressure. It makes space for honesty, even when the words are hard to find.
The truth? Not every unreadable human is hiding something. Not every vague reply is rejection. And not everyone is fluent in “emotionally available.”
But also: Some people stay unreadable to stay in control. If you never say what you want, you never risk not getting it. Ambiguity becomes a shield. An out. A power move.
And yes—I’ve also been that person. The unreadable one. The introvert with the smiling face and locked-up insides. The one who leaves people wondering because I didn’t have the energy (or the language) to explain.
So maybe I don’t need to decode you. Maybe I just need to check in with me.
Am I okay with this uncertainty? Is this a safe connection—or just a confusing one? And most importantly: Are we good?
Because if I have to keep asking… we might not be.
Big Girl Panties Diaries Rule: If you’re working harder to interpret someone than they are to connect with you—it’s okay to stop translating.
Bonus rule: If you keep asking “Are we good?” and never feel sure… maybe you’re not.
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