Big Girl Panty Diaries: The Questions That Quiet Fear

People often ask me where Big Girl Panty Diaries came from. The truth is, it wasn't born from confidence. It was born from a comment a former boss made after walking out of a particularly brutal meeting. She looked at me, smiled, and said, "I had to put my big girl panties on." I laughed, but the phrase stayed with me.

Over the years, it became a running joke among my friends. They would say, "You've got so many pairs of big girl panties on, you can't sit down." We laughed because it was funny, but we also laughed because it was true.

The older I've gotten, the more I've realized that putting your big girl panties on isn't about pretending you're fearless. It isn't about putting on a brave face or convincing yourself everything is going to be okay. It's about accepting that life doesn't always go according to plan. Sometimes there isn't a perfect answer. Sometimes there isn't anyone coming to rescue you. Sometimes you simply have to take a deep breath, pull up your big girl panties, and keep moving.

Ironically, it's the same lesson I find myself teaching organizations every day. When I'm working on a transformation project, resistance rarely looks like resistance. More often, it shows up as anxiety. It sounds like endless "what if" questions.

What if I can't learn the new system?

What if my role changes?

What if I fail?

What if I lose my job?

People aren't necessarily resisting the change itself. They're trying to make sense of uncertainty.

That's why I almost always ask the same two questions.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Once they answer, I follow up with, If that happened, what would you do?

There's usually a pause while they think. Then, almost every time, the answer is some version of the same thing: I'd deal with it. I'd figure it out. I'd do what I needed to do.

That's the moment something shifts. The fear doesn't disappear, but it loses some of its power because people stop focusing on what they can't control and start remembering what they can. They realize they're more capable than they were giving themselves credit for.

I've realized those aren't just questions I ask my clients. They're questions I ask myself. I've asked them before difficult conversations, before accepting a new role, before leaving one, before starting my business, before publishing The People Stack, and during more personal moments than I can count.

I've also learned something important. Sometimes the worst thing actually happens. Life has taught me that the things I worried about rarely happened the way I imagined. But the hard things that did happen taught me I was far more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for. I've experienced disappointment, loss, plans that didn't unfold the way I hoped, and doors that closed when I desperately wanted them to stay open.

Every single time, I eventually did exactly what I told myself I would do. I dealt with it. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

In The People Stack, I talk about the three things our brains crave during change: confidence, certainty, and control. Whether we're navigating a corporate transformation or a personal challenge, the psychology is the same. When uncertainty enters the picture, our confidence, certainty, and sense of control begin to disappear. Our brains don't like that feeling, so they try to regain control by predicting the future. Unfortunately, they usually predict the worst possible version of it. We convince ourselves that because we don't know what's going to happen, we won't know what to do. But that's almost never true.

Those two simple questions don't eliminate uncertainty, and they certainly don't guarantee a good outcome. What they do is remind us of something we've forgotten. We've survived difficult seasons before. We've solved problems we never thought we'd solve. We've adapted to circumstances we never would have chosen. We are far more capable than fear gives us credit for. Those questions don't restore certainty. They restore confidence. Not confidence that everything will work out exactly as we hope, but confidence that whatever happens, we'll figure out the next step.

Maybe that's what putting your big girl panties on has always meant. It isn't about being fearless. It isn't about pretending everything will be okay. It's about trusting yourself enough to know that whatever life puts in front of you, you'll respond. You may not like it. You may not choose it. It may not be fair. But you'll deal with it because that's what you've always done.

So the next time your mind starts writing worst-case scenarios, ask yourself the same two questions I ask my clients.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

And if it did, what would you do?

My guess is your answer will be the same as mine. You'll figure it out. You'll take the next step. And if necessary, you'll pull up your big girl panties and do what needs to be done.

Big Girl Panty Diaries Rule

Confidence isn't knowing nothing bad will happen. It's knowing you'll handle whatever does.

Julie Ann Whitten is a change advisor, keynote speaker, and the author of The People Stack: Why Change Fails (and What Actually Fixes It), available now on Amazon. Drawing on more than 25 years of experience leading transformation, communications, and organizational change, she helps leaders understand the human side of adoption and build the trust required to make change stick.